Why You Aren’t Living Your Dream Life Yet

I loved setting goals. I’d have New Year resolutions, quarterly goals and monthly goals.

And though I was setting all these goals, I wasn’t doing very well or achieving any of them.

So I’d set a new goal, hoping things would be different this time.

That I would achieve it — but like last time, I didn’t.

I knew the actions I needed to follow.

I had the habits I needed to build.

I even had the entire plan drawn out with every detail I could think of to achieve the goal.

But I couldn’t always do what I needed to do.

At least not for a long enough time and this would lead to self-sabotage or procrastination.

And it’s not just me who experiences this.

This is what so many who struggle to achieve their goals experience, despite their best intentions.

The Toxic Cycle

Everyone has a goal and a desire.

Whether it’s a new car, a bigger house, a better body, their dream partner or a better life.

Most people dream about it and wish.

The other people will set a conscious goal and figure out what they need to do to achieve it.

And this is where the trouble starts.

They have a goal.

They know what to do.

But they can’t do what they need to do, follow the plan, or stay consistent.

Or they procrastinate and never take action.

Maybe this is you.

Why does this happen?

Below the Surface

One thing you need to understand is that a goal is an outcome.

An effect.

And an effect has a cause.

You might conclude that your actions and habits are the causes to achieve your goal.

This is half the picture because actions and habits are also effects.

Your actions and habits are smaller effects that compound and accumulate to an even larger effect which is your goal.

So what is the cause of your actions, habits and ultimately your goal?

Your self-image/ identity — who you see yourself to be.

BE > DO > HAVE

If you view yourself as someone who cares about the environment, you avoid littering and are annoyed when others litter.

If you view yourself as someone good at maths, you will have a positive attitude towards maths compared to someone who views themselves as bad at maths.

Every belief, attitude and action you take is aligned with your identity.

You do, say and believe things that align with and confirm your identity.

If you try to do things outside your identity (e.g. wake up early when you are a ‘late riser’), eventually your identity will pull you back and stop you from doing those actions.

This results in self-sabotage.

You can only act outside your identity for so long before your identity has to ‘reel’ you in and keep you in check.

Your goals are the effects of your actions and your actions are effects of your identity.

These are the 3 levels of your internal world and how they translate externally.

Be. Do. Have

Level 1: At the most fundamental level, we have BE. This is your identity and self-image.

Level 2: A level above that is your actions and habits, DO.

Level 3: And the most external level is your goal, HAVE – What you will physically (or emotionally) have.

The mistake so many make is once they’ve gotten clear on their goal, they go to the actions and behaviours and stop there.

They do these new actions and habits with their old identity that doesn’t align with these actions and behaviours.

And this is why you see no progress or sabotage it.

What you’re doing, though aligned with the goal, is not aligned or natural to your identity.

If what you’re doing is NOT ALIGNED with your being (your identity), you won’t be able to sustain it.

And this friction between your identity and action results in the resistance you experience working towards your goals. And the more resistance you experience, the more pain you experience.

And when you experience too much pain, your evolutionary and psychological mechanisms kick in to avoid the pain.

So to avoid the resistance, pain and self-sabotage from kicking in, what do you do?

You need to craft and shift into a new identity.

Action Steps

Step 1: Clarity on 3 levels

You need to get clear on 3 levels: what you want, why you want it and who you need to become to achieve what you want.

• What → What you want is the goal. The tangible thing you want e.g. a car, dream body, a new job.

• Why → Why you want is the meaning behind the goal. Unless something is important to you, you will not go after it. So to increase your motivation to achieve the goal, get clear on why you want it. The emotions behind the goal. Will your goal make you feel more confident, free, safe, loved, respected, or abundant?

• Who → When you are clear on what you want, the final step is getting clear on the identity. The 2.0 version of yourself. The BEING. You want to get clear on the type of person who can achieve your goal effortlessly. Are they confident, are they disciplined, are they productive and focused? What habits do they have?

Step 2: Suspend the Disbelief and Follow Your Curiosity

• Doubts, fears and worries will come up. Let them.

• This is your 1.0 self throwing a fight because it feels threatened that you want to change. Going from an old self to a new self will be challenging especially when the old self is stronger than the new self.

• It will throw up the fears and doubts as resistance to keep you from changing. If you resist the resistance, the old self gets stronger. But if you allow them to be and keep embodying the new self, the new self will get stronger.

• Lean into the fears and doubts and you will find they aren’t real. They are just smoke and mirrors devised by the old self.

• And every time you see through the smoke and mirrors — by letting the fears and doubts exist, instead of avoiding them — you are weakening the old self.

• This allows you to embody and keep living AS the new self. Follow your curiosities and intuition as to how the old self would react or respond to situations.

Step 3: Reward The Successes and Embrace the Failures

• The fastest way to become your 2.0 identity is to fail as them.

• Your mind is wired to look for failure and negativity. To use your failures and negativity to hold onto the old self.

• But think back to when you were a baby learning to walk. If you kept focusing on how you were falling and ‘failing’ every time, you would have never learned to walk and stayed crawling.

• The same is true with your new identity. You have to allow the failures to happen because they are teaching you lessons that will move you forward. Let the failures be a part of your journey to becoming.

• Don’t let the failures be used against you by the old self: “See, I told you you would fail.” Instead, counter with, “I didn’t fail, I’m learning.”

• And when you achieve success — no matter how small — celebrate it. Celebrate the successes and use them to strengthen the new identity. Every time you celebrate a success as the new identity, you give yourself evidence that the new identity is real and you are becoming them.

Your goals are someone else’s standard and when you understand that, the next thing to ask yourself is “Who is the type of person who has what I want?”

Then begin this process of BECOMING and BEING that person.

Shift your identity to align with the goal and become she/ he who can.

You know what you want, so stop chasing it.

Chase the person and become them.

As you become them, your actions and habits will align and accumulate into you having the goal.

— Shana.

If you want 1-1 help finding your zone (and shifting your identity) to achieve your highest goals and build your dream life and business with more ease, book a free consultation with me:  https://calendly.com/shanamdluli/claritycall